Well erm, as those of you know that I am transgender, so there is a part of me that I have left behind, the male part of me who I call Ashton. And I’m going to speak in the third person because I don’t go by Ashton no more, he’s long gone, he’s my past life. So Ashton, for him, he had a good life. Erm his family took him on vacations, his mother worked for the school system, his dad worked for a clinic and his dad was a minister and, he had a very very good life until about aged 10. Erm… he was touched at a young age… by the neighbours, the neighbour friend’s mother. Erm, and that became a whole big ordeal and he made it through elementary school but he couldn’t go anywhere or do anything because his parents were scared that it would happen again. So they weren’t allowed to have sleepovers, you know. Erm, also she, the woman that, I’m speaking to myself again this is kind of hard. Alright. The woman that touched me, when I was ten she flipped it around and told them that I touched her son, and I was only ten years old, and so the law enforcement got into it. And my brother, one of my older brothers, he was my lawyer his name was Arsenio, and he really was there for me at this point in town. He was my favourite brother you know. I couldn’t have contact with this kid, and this kid was my childhood friend and he was only one year younger than me, you know.
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Erm so during that time, it was about a couple of years, and they were still going about, it was like a two or three years process, my brother was a lawyer and erm at this time I didn’t know my brother is that way, you know. And he used that, because of me being vulnerable and he used that to molest me and have sex with me and raped me.
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Yes my own brother. And he, ‘til this day we haven’t had contact, we actually just recently had contact about a couple of weeks ago. I messaged him and I told him that I forgive him, you know. During through that time there have been a couple of other incidences that I have been erm either drugged, you know. At the age of 15 got touched by my friend’s dad. Well at a young, especially at a young age after this I deal with low self-esteem because like I lost my virginity to a woman not by choice and I lost my virginity to a man not by choice, and I was already confused about who I was. I knew I was different because I like the same sex.
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I was about, you know what, I kind of always knew. But I kind of, it was probably high school and everyone telling me that, oh you’re gay. And I’m like, what’s gay? My parents were really sheltered, especially with my dad being a minister, and so I didn’t really understand what was, what that mean, you know. Until I was like, you know, after that when I found out what I was I kind of fully embraced it, but just not to my family, because my family was very shameful towards some stuff like that. and people, I did get made fun of, I did get bullied in high school, erm.. I… there was a… I did start using… My grades were good, my grades were good all good until I came out because a lot of the bullying and stuff, I started skipping school, smoking weed, you know. I got kicked out of high school, I’m from Rochester, Minnesota, and I got kicked out of high school there and I went to another school but there I was just smoking weed and I went to these, I went to Spring Valley, Minnesota with my friends for the weekend, this was when I was just starting to be rebelling against my parent and just take money out of my mom’s purse. There was one thing I did that it still to this day it hurts my heart, that I took my parent’s first wedding rings when they got married and I pawned it for money to go get weed. And it just still haunts me to this day, and I was in Spring Valley and I was drinking and drinking, just to hide the paint because during this time I was still 15 erm, my brother was still touching me and molested me and raped me every chance he got.
And he wanted a relationship with me, he wanted me as his partner… my own brother. And he, their dad, I was really drunk and I vomited everywhere, and I was laying on a counch and their dad, my friend’s dad. I’m sorry that I’m all over. But my friend’s dad gave me this drunk and I couldn’t feel my body after this, you know. And he starts to unzip my pants and pull my pants down, and I remember someone comes in like ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and then he’s like ‘nothing just checking if he’s asleep’. So then after that I think the guy knew what he was doing, so he left, and they both left and I remember passing out. That’s all I remember.
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There’s another one that I remember… and this is during drinking and drugging, because I am in recovery and I am, I’m recovering alcoholic addict, I have 6 months sobert actually yesterday.
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But erm, when I was living in Rochester, there were a couple of friends that I went to, and they had this gay friend in their, downstairs part of their apartment, and they, I forget his name I think it’s like Patrick or something. And like, we used to party there and he always had a thing for me and I just wasn’t really feeling him because I had a boyfriend at the time, and like, I just… he said, we started to run out of alcohol and like as an addict we just wanted more and more and more. And so he gave me these pill and he was like ‘it’s just alcohol in a pill’ and I took like four of them at a time and then next thing you know I just, I don’t remember. Like I just passed out and I woke up and I was completely naked, you know. I’m laying, laying over the bed while he’s in me, you know. But I, I came to while he was in me. And I freaked out and the thing that he had given me was Ambien. And my friends had left me there and went back to their apartment and just left me there for him. And I never went back. And I told my mother and she was like well you should have never been there in the first place, she, my mom and my dad aren’t very, well mostly my mother isn’t the most supportive.
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It confused me, like you know, even to now it affects me. Before I even transitioned like, I’ve only been in trans for a year, and it’s been the most happiest time of my life. But during the time as a gay man, I struggle with that because I wonder if like, if I’m this way because of him, or am I this way because of, erm I was born this way, you know. But I’ve come to terms, sometimes I do go back and forth, but I’ve come to terms right now that I am Maya, and Ashton has, I like to say that Ashton is part of my past life, he’s not here no more.
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I haven’t had any issues about going to the bathroom. I haven’t, but there’s like, my anxiety when I go to church I’m like, I’m very religious, I’m a Christina but when I go to churches I feel like I’m gonna get kicked out of church. Erm, or like just my parents, you know, they still call me by my birth name which I don’t, or even just walking down the street people go ‘what is that’ or ‘what are you?’. And I just tell them I’m an experiences, you know. I, I am, I don’t even use trans I just say I’m a woman, you know. Like I, I come, I’ve come because of so much hatred towards me, like even before I was trans there was a lot of hatred and a lot of like, during like due to drugging and drinking, there was a lot of abuse. But there was one big thing during my abuse that kept me sober for a year and a half, and I did relapse and now I’m back on track, I relapsed for like three weeks and I’m now back on track. And it was, I went, I didn’t identify as male or female I was just gender neutral, and I dressed predominantly like a male but I still liked men. And I went to Faribault, and Faribault is just a whole, I can’t even go there, I can’t even go through that town after this because it’s such a traumatic event. But like people were making me prostitute for my body to get them drugs, in Faribault Minnesota. And I started getting drugs and one day I stood up for myself and I was like I’m don, I can’t do this, you know. Because this woman that I called mother, because me and my mother weren’t on good terms because I was out them on methamphetamines for a good year, actually a good two years. I was out there on meth, and erm I’m a people pleaser. I put other people’s needs before I do, that’s just how I did, and that’s how I am.
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I was get them drugs, sell my body to get them drugs because, this person who I called mother wanted me to. And she would guilt trip me in to selling my body.
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There were some other people, my boyfriend at the time, that’s how I was introduced to her was through my boyfriend at the time. He’s in prison right now but erm, he’s my ex, thank God. But, she would, her cousin, there would be other girls, you know some underage girls.
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I would travel to the cities too. I would travel to like Austin, Minnestoa, Albert Lea, I would go to Stewartville, I would go to La Crosse, sometimes I’d go to Iowa, I would go to many other places just to exploit. And like I’d have it right there and I’d have protection, that’s all they promised is like you had to pay for your protection and make this money and give you drugs and stuff.
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A lot of the times they [the Johns] knew. [They specifically requested Maya]
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I think as a woman figure in general it was more violent because a lot of, either I was a sissy faggot, or I was a gorgeous woman, either way, calling me gorgeous of calling me sissy faggot, they still abused me. Just to get power for themselves, hit me with a sock full of soap or choke me, you know, or just like belittle me like piss on me, or just like, put dog collars and lock me in closets. I wouldn’t even had to have sex that’s just what they’d do. And I would tell this woman like, because she’s supposed to be my ‘protection’, and she’d be like ‘well they didn’t kill you, right?’ You know? And I would tell my mom, I told my mom all this and she said ‘well that’s what you get for putting yourself in those predicaments’.
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Well my dad, he’s, I love my dad with all my heart. They’re separated now. He’s been there through all the treatments, I’ve been to 14 treatments in my whole life from 17 to 23. And this is my last one, I just graduated treatment today. Erm and I am done, I’m really done. And I manage a sober house.
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It’s really really hard to separate the two [addiction and prostitution] because like it’s prostitution, like since I’m so used to the excess since I was like 17/16 you know. Because like, especially if you’re young. If you’re a young gay boy or a young trans woman, they love young. It’s disgusting how they want them younger, you know under age as I was. And like how I used to get in to bars and clubs because I was underage. You know, I’m not supposed to, but people would get me in just to have sex with me, or have me dance through the poles. Me and my sister, we used to travel together and do it. We wouldn’t have sex with each other but, for money, you know. And she said, she’s a trigger for me. It’s hard, to this day, it’s hard for me not to go out there and make that fast money and not erm… but now I have a normal job, I work at Psycho Suzi’s but it’s really hard for me like to be there. Because it’s like I could get money so quick, just by walking outside, you know posting an ad, or you know.
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With fast money, there’s fast consequences, and they’re not good consequences, they’re horrible. There’s this one time when I like I said, when this is what made me really get sober. It was in Faribault erm, I was in, I knew a whole bunch of dope guys and they’re all Nazis, and the dope ran out and I went and sold my body. I was like, I’m done, I’m sick and tired of this, I’m exhausted. I’ve slept with like, I usually like slept with like 10 to 15 men or women a day, you know.
I was just, my body was exhausted, I hadn’t taken a shower in a couple of days because I was just having sex after sex after sex. And thank goodness I’ve never gotten, oh I have gotten, I have had an STD but it was last December.
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but during that time when I had an STD, and they locked me in a room full of faeces, dog faeces, and put a collar on me for 3 days. And if I tried to leave, they had like a rolling pin and brass knuckles with knives on it and there were six of them and they did jump me at one point, and I was so scared. I was stripped down to my underwear, that’s all I was wearing was my underwear and I had to down the rain gutter to escape and run for my life. This was during the winter time and I was all in my underwear and I called my dad and he came picked me up and he brought me to detox. And that’s when I was like I can’t go back. I can’t go back out there. I told them please, just like put me in jail, put me somewhere because if I go back out there I’m gonna go back to the old habits I was going, Prostituting, drinking and drugging, you know.
Meth is a very sexual drug. It really is. You know along with GHB like those two, it wasn’t even date rape for me anymore. My body was getting so used to GHB that if someone tried to drug me with it, it wouldn’t work because I’ve gotten so, it was tolerance to it, you know. And like it’s really…I’m really blessed to be here and to be alive. And like I just, I want, the only reason I’m here is to spread the word. Like how dangerous this is. I wanted to grow up really fast, and now I wish I can go back and like get to all that time I had back. Because like, each time I had sex with a different john, or tricks, there was abuse it in it. Like constantly. Those stories weren’t even the worst stories I’ve experiences, you know. There’s so much I have experiences, and at a young age that you know, I have to be on meds for. I have to deal with the therapy for. Sometimes like though all the abuse I went through sometimes, some some days are better than others but some days I’m feeling like I’m gonna be fucked up in the head forever because you can’t unsee those things. Or you can’t undo those thing either.
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I would tell them don’t do it, just don’t. you might think this is the easiest way but the only thing that, the only outcome there is for a fast life, is a fast death. I’m honestly lucky enough to be here. I count every day as a blessing like I said, some days are better than others and some days are worse than others. But my best day sober and not prostituting, my worst day sober and not prostituting, is better than my blessed day high, and prostituting.
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Love yourself. Love yourself. All the things I’ve done, drugging and drinking and having sex with men for money as a trans-woman, just love yourself. And I want them to know that right now, I do love myself right now, I really do. And this feeling, it feels good to feel wanted, and they get that validation from people that you think care about you but they’re only paying for you and treating you like a piece of meat. Its false validation and it’s false self-love. But once you overcome that and find validation in positive ways, and find self-love yourself, and actually love yourself, that you don’t need a man or a woman or money, to validate you.
Narrative provided by the Franciscan Sisters of Perpetual Adoration
